Monogamy?

One of the most interesting aspects of my transition here was getting back to dating. I say interesting because where I’m from if you go on dates with multiple men you’re labeled a whore or slut because the assumption is you’re sleeping with each of them. Here, dating multiple partners is encouraged as a means to see what you like and don’t and also to separate the “sheep” from the “goat” before settling. I believe this is a good idea to find a partner you’re comfortable settling down with, though  it seems not being monogamous is a growing trend. From my own observations and binge watching too many episodes of Girlfriends Guide to Divorce I’ve often asked the question isn’t monogamy cool anymore?  It seems as if most people are on a “permanent” search.

From a cultural aspect I think slut shaming  women with multiple men is a thing anywhere, not so much here but it still exists nonetheless. For men to have multiple women is no biggie.  Studies suggest that we weren’t meant to be monogamous but societies encourage it because it is the best thing to do to maintain order.

It is a very curious subject for me because I’ve always felt the older you get, the more you want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone you can grow old with. Unless I’ve been talking to the wrong people or watching too much bad t.v. it seems the older people get the more they want to “play the field” as we would say in Guyana. As a personal rule I never date anyone my age because I never connect with them mentally but I do with older partners who I can have more conversations with beyond wyd? and where’s the next party at?
Moving in these mature circles has helped me to observe both men and women and how they date and the result of my observations are that more older partners are open to non traditional, non monogamous relationships where they are open with each other about seeing other people. This is not me judging but more trying to develop an understanding of why this is so and since I’m still considered “young” should I forget about monogamy altogether? As I get older will I want to seek more unattached relationships? And will my choices of partners seeking monogamous relationships be even less than they are now?

Too many questions and not enough answers exist out there on this subject. Is there really a future of monogamy for me and women and men like me who would rather spend every Friday night cuddled  on the couch drinking wine with the same partner and watching something we agree to disagree on rather than out every weekend with someone different?
I’ll share a story of a friend in his 50s who is recently divorced and living with the woman he was cheating on his ex-wife with; his reality is, he loves this woman yes but he’s not ready to commit to one person again so he sees other people unknown to her. This is his story and I can tell stories of many others like him with similar stances. Again, this is not me judging but more trying to understand why is this so, for both women and men?
I’m no expert on this subject matter but I think trust has a lot to do with it. People in non monogamous relationships are open with each other, they are each aware that the other is sleeping with or seeing other people so there is no need to hide anything. Monogamous relationships on the other hand, partners are often afraid to share their feelings or needs with each other for fear of being judged (especially sexual needs). Can you imagine telling your stick in the ass wife of 15 years you want her to dress like a school girl and allow you to spank her? If you don’t have open conversations about sex and sexuality in your relationship this is not something she’d want to talk about nor would she respond positively to your suggestion to visit a sex store to purchase a toy you can use together. People distrust each other so they are afraid to commit. As a girl growing up I was always told if you support a man, encourage him, be open and thankful when he does good and don’t deny him the coochie this would suffice. Somewhere along the way these rules changed and no one told me and I’m now in search of a new rule book.

Share any thoughts you have on this subject in the comments section and let’s “gyaff”.